- Communication is the key to any healthy relation. Prepare the ground for a healthy communication. Both Host and Guest need to keep in mind that each has their own culture, habits, lifestyle and emotional world.
- Frame from the beginning a communicative zone that works for both. Define your space of interaction and keep in mind that each of us needs a private intimate and non negotiable space. Ask yourselves what do I feel comfortable sharing and what not.
- Ideally both guest and host should know in advance who they are going to share their space with. Is it a family or a single person? do kids live in the household or not? Are there any dietary restrictions I need to be aware of? Is there any food that can’t be kept or cooked in the household? does somebody have allergies that I should know of? Do they have pets? Don’t forget to consider that dating habits, dress code, sexual identity, drinking and smoking habits differ from person to person. Communicate relevant non visible health issues like epilepsy. Talk about it and preferably establish clear house rules.
- Define the emotional information you both want to share that might be relevant to better understand each other. Especially in situations on mental health and mourning it is up to you to share or keep things to yourself.
- Acknowledge the other person’s presence. We are social beings, nonetheless some are more introvert and private than others. Having said that, this is a difficult transitional moment. Daily short interactions can be very healing and if empathy allows 2-3 get togethers per week to eat, drink tea or go for a walk help not only coping but bonding. This is a once in a life passage for both host and guest. Make it memorable in a pleasant way.
- Establish rituals. Your brain needs structure and movement. Try to create a new daily routine that encompasses walks, healthy food, and joyful moments.
What is trauma and how does it look
PTSD is a disorder that develops in some people who have experienced a traumatic event such as a shocking, scary or dangerous experience. After that traumatic experience our brain gets trained to flee, fight or freeze when triggers arise. This reduces stress tolerance and affects several emotional and cognitive functions. Trauma is often overseen or misdiagnosed as ADHD and there is no magic formula to cure Trauma. We live with it, but we also possess many tools to cope with Trauma by enforcing resilience and working on our individual resources to restore the inner balance.
- Sleeping patterns are affected
- Headaches and pain
- Change in appetite, too much or little
- Flashbacks
- Hyperarousal
- Memory loss
- Bed wetting in case of children
WHAT CAN THE HOST DO
- Hosts can help to assess the emotional temperature of their guest/s. Let your guests know that they should feel free to let you know if they are having trouble with any of the above.
- Establishing an inviting and comforting space in your home that both you and your guest, recognize as the space for exchange will help signaling that you are open to share.
- Be a good listener.
- Avoid monitoring your guests, it can feel invasive. However, you can consult with your guests if it is ok to ask how they are doing. Some people don’t like to be asked, respect their wish.
- Don’t pressure you guest into talking. Memories can trigger people with PTSD to re-experience the traumatic event. Having said that, if your guest feels the need to talk about his/her experiences don’t stop them . Each person has their own mechanisms to process and that can be one of them.
- Educate yourself about PTSD.
- Minimize stressful environments and be aware that you might have guests with sleeping problems, if you have a light sleep discuss possible solutions for both.
- If you are hosting a family with children, try to help your guest to find routines that will help children sooth themselves and feel your home as their safe space.
- Establish the no go zones, each of you should have a private sphere where you can retrieve and be with yourself.
- You can help your guest recall their resources by honestly praising him/her for their talents. Empowering is key to the healing process.
- Your guest might be triggered by particular sounds, smells sights or flavors. Be sensitive and try to adapt to it.
- If you notice that the war coverage on the news is affecting your guest’s emotional mood, try to avoid exposing him or her to avoid retraumatization.
- Your guest might experience flashbacks, panic attacks or dissociations (disconnections from one’s thoughts, feelings, memories or sense of identity). If that is the case, help them come back to the now and then, remind them to take slow and deep breaths, to look and describe the room or things that are in the immediate surrounding, ask them to be aware of their body parts, let them know they are having a dissociation/panic attack or flashback
- Avoid touching your guest if he or she is experiencing a crisis. Hyperarousal is common and can rapidly escalate.
- If any of the above happens keep calm, you should also remind yourself that you are in the here and now.
- Work on your resources. Sometimes you might feel overwhelmed with the new transformations in your life. Take long walks, think of your strengths, of your good memories and experiences, of happy moments. Internalize all these and make them your ready-mades that are always in your pocket and are at hand whenever needed.
- Let your guest know from the beginning that in Germany there are services like the Krisendienst, among others, and you will be happy to assist should they need help for them or any family member. Emphasize the benefits of treatment while acknowledging challenges and limitations of therapy.
- Last but not least, make time for your own life and remind yourself that you can only help within certain limits. You are doing a great job and we acknowledge your very valuable contribution.